In my life experience, the word “cock sucker” has almost always been used in an insulting, degrading context. I have heard men call other men that and it was almost always in reference to a man’s perceived weakness or softness. It was something said with the intention of attacking a man’s masculinity. Many times I have heard men say “suck my dick” as a way of establishing superiority or dominance over another or reducing another person to subordinate status – whether jokingly or otherwise. I have also heard this term used by men to describe women and it was never in a positive, favorable, respectful, kind or even a neutral or matter-of-fact context. When boasting of their sexual conquests to their male friends or gossiping about a woman’s sexual reputation with their friends, men would say “she sucks cock” to emphasize the woman’s alleged “looseness” or “easiness.” Because of this, I knew that I did not want to be known as a cock sucker. It may sound funny but I saw what having that label placed on them did to the other girls. I saw them be ostracized and whispered about by other women. I saw them be savagely pursued by the guys who heard of their willingness to perform fellatio (and called them dirty whores upon learning that information) but did so under the guise of genuine romantic interest only to disappear after getting the coveted blowjob. It seemed that performing oral sex on a guy was just not something that a girl could do and still be respected. It was implied to me that it was something that a man would solicit a woman for when he didn’t love her, like her, respect her, want her, care about her or even know her but just wanted a sexual experience and/or something to brag about. It was something a man who was already in a committed or marital relationship would solicit from a woman to get his rocks off and it was not considered cheating because it was considered steps down from “real” sex – just a one-way sexual service that a man can get away with because he’s just getting, not giving, pleasure. The upper echelon girls were made love to, the lower girls were just manipulated into giving or freely gave fellatio eyes wide open.
The first time I can remember hearing that term was when I was a freshman in high school – a year that would become one of the worst of my life. I heard it in two different sets of circumstances. In one context, it was just two senior guys playing a game of cards and in an admittedly entertaining superfluous display of testosterone, they were taking shots at one another. They would call each other “dick sucker” and many other explicit names and it was all in harmless competitive fun to them. Then in another context, it was used as a weapon against me. I was sexually assaulted by a senior when I was freshman on a band trip. He did everything he could to degrade me and humiliate me. I started school early so I was 13 at the time and he was 18. What he did was, in the eyes of the law, considered child molestation but he went around the school afterward, telling people it was consensual. He forced himself on me in the most demeaning and abusive way. The rumors spread like wildfire and I quickly got a reputation for being easy, stupid, and nasty. I was, from then on, a “ho” and a “cock sucker.” When I walked the halls, guys would make crude gestures at me. Girls would point and whisper to each other as I went by. A couple of guys approached me and tried to duplicate what the first guy did. One of them followed me as I was walking home and tried to drag me to his house to have his way with me. I became one of the girls that I heard rumors about. Having that label on me made life incredibly difficult at school. It meant that I was not respectable. It meant that I was stupid. It meant that I was not worthy of actual dating, a real relationship, intimacy, mutual affection or tender kisses, I was only good for a blowjob. It meant that I was no longer pure, clean, or innocent. There was no turning back, I was tainted for life. My upbringing in a strict Pentecostal home probably contributed to how that event altered my view of myself.
When I hear this word, it still causes a quiet “ouch” in my soul. Even though that traumatic event was about 18 years ago, it radically altered my view of myself, men, women, and sex. For many years, I associated fellatio with subordination, female submission, male dominance, degradation, and selfish lust. It is complicated because men seemed to shun women who were not willing to perform oral sex but use the word cock sucker as an insult and negative judgment on a woman’s sexuality. It seemed to be a desired action but an action that nonetheless came with undesirable consequences for the woman – in the form of damaged reputation, dismissal, sexual hit & runs, and public ridicule. As I get older, I think about the unfairness that the connotation of this word bears. What is to be said about the women who actually enjoy performing fellatio and get pleasure out of pleasing their partners? What do we say about the women who are sexually explorative and confident and do not carry the same binding social beliefs about fellatio that others do? Although I, as well as many other people, think fellatio puts women in a place of yielding. It is viewed as obedience, compliance, subjection, partially because in the actual act, the woman is physically in a lower position before the man i.e. on her knees. It’s like dick worship. The woman is in passive role and the man is in dominant role. However, every woman does not view it that way. Some women think fellatio puts women in the place of power. I mean she has the most sensitive, most vulnerable part of a man’s anatomy right in between her teeth. In that moment, she has the power to either bring much pleasure or much pain. She could send him to heights of ecstasy unknown or cause him intense agony to the point of immobilization. He should pray she chooses the former. It’s all in her hands….so to speak. It actually requires much trust (or much recklessness) on the part of the man. In that moment, his body is actually under her control. I suppose it depends on perspective. However, in my personal, individual life experience, being a cock sucker was never a good thing but could it have been a lie as the women who were stigmatizing it were probably doing it themselves and the men stigmatizing it were at the same time expecting it? Not only were the men expecting it but they were demanding it and not only were they demanding it but they would, in turn, come up with every reason in the world not to reciprocate. The woman’s body was somehow “gross” and reciprocating pleasure was too much to ask from a man. If that is not one of the most brutal expressions of phallocentric dominance and misogyny.
I do not like the word because of the connotation, history, social implications and emotional baggage it carries. I do not like it because of the vulgarity of it and the way it reduces a woman to a sexual object by defining her by what she does in the bedroom. I do not like the word because it used as a weapon against women (and men) to make them feel bad about their sexual choices (and the times when they didn’t have a choice). However, having reached the understanding that I have today, I would not judge a woman for her sexual choices. I would never participate with other women to ostracize, attack or ridicule women for their sexual choices. Words like slut, whore, and cock sucker are often thrown out as blanket labels to describe any and every woman who willingly participated in oral sex or was forced or manipulated into doing so. Basically, I’m saying that I do not like the fact that “cock sucker” is used as an insult but I do not think it is a bad thing because there is nothing wrong with fellatio as long as it is consensual, between adults, and not attained through deception….if that makes sense.
I have seen porn advertisements on the internet and many times the women were advertised as cock suckers and sluts. I suppose it’s good for the consumers who enjoy fellatio. Typically, pornography is centered on the man, his genitals and his satisfaction. And men who regularly consume pornography have a phallocentric view of sex. So women who are not only willing but are enthusiastic about fellatio and do not ask to be satisfied themselves are common in pornography. Although the men are there with the women participating in the sex act just like the women, it is only the women who are the sluts, whores and cock suckers. It is the women who are immoral and unclean for their sexual choices hence the nature of the names they are called. It is the women who are defined by their sexual choices and stigmatized/condemned for being sexually aggressive and sexually ravenous…..basically for behaving like men. They don’t call men who perform cunnilingus “pussy lickers.” At least I haven’t heard that. And I am not sure that a man who is willing to perform oral sex on a woman would have to endure social disgrace. He would probably be considered a good lover or a gentleman if he’s even “considered” anything at all. Almost as if putting your mouth on a woman is a greater sacrifice or a noble thing because women’s reproductive bodies are so “gross.” I could be wrong about this but the consequences for sexual choices don’t seem to be the same for men and women. I have also seen mainstream films, in which a woman was referred to as a cock sucker. I saw a prison film in which the male guards in the women’s prison were sexually abusing the inmates by forcing them to perform oral sex on them. Apparently they were not worthy of vaginal rape because they might get pleasure out of that and it would require work on the part of the man. And most of the other times I have seen women called cock suckers or actually sucking cock in films, it was either to humiliate them (meaning the female characters in the film, not necessarily women in general) or to express a “king and his harem” or a concubine kind of relationship – once again implying the yin-yang symbolism of dominance and submission exhibited in the act of fellatio.
If I performed oral sex on a man that I am in relationship with and then, later on, I heard that man call someone a cock sucker to insult them, I could not help but have some kind of negative reaction to that – even if it’s just a silent tisk. It would make me wonder how he really interprets my willingness to do that and what kind of internal judgment he is making about me. I would not call someone a “pussy licker” to insult them because I see nothing wrong with cunnilingus. There is nothing degrading about bringing a woman pleasure. I would not make a condemning judgment against someone for having an alleged willingness for performing oral sex on women and not just because I am a woman but because I find no fault in men and women pleasing their partners in whatever way they desire. It is normal adult behavior. I just daydream about the day when women not only stop joining in with women to attack other women but when men stop using their penises as weapons to subjugate women.
wmyn4wmyn 