Expectations- by Anonymous

I went to a private Christian school my entire life. When I was very young it seemed like it was aimed at good manners, but as I matured there were more bible classes that spoke on gender roles. My 8th grade class was girls only. What I got from those was that I was expected to marry young, have babies and be submissive. Those things were supposed to bring me happiness and fulfilment. Those things did not.

I dated in high school boys who were raised the same way. I was friend zoned every time. One of those boys introduced me to to a boy who went to public school. I was intrested. Probably more desperate.  Right away I knew he was different from all the other boys i knew. He had the sexy bad boy appeal.  Things went quickly. I even distinctly remember hearing a voice in my head who had to have been GOD saying ” run away”. But a typical teen I did not.  I married him instead.

Even though friends and family had advised against it. I thought  I was supposed to get married. If I had babies and was a good submissive wife then I thought my husband would love me and we would be happy. That’s not what happened.

We moved out of state. He barely kept a job. I constantly had to call my father for money. He once went out drinking all night and didn’t come home. When I walked to his father’s house and told him what happened and asked where he was I was the one who got yelled at by my husband when he did come home because I had told on him. That was the beginning of the abuse.

Any time he did something questionable I wasn’t allowed to tell for fear of worse repercussions. His family members always said to tell them if anything happened, but every time I did the repercussions were worse than the help.

Think of the worst verbal abuse you’ve ever endured. He was also often driving while he screamed at me and driving badly which made it all the more scary. He never once got pulled over while doing this and I will never understand how.

When he wasn’t yelling at me he was expecting me to get pregnant.  I thought it was my duty. I thought I wanted that too.  It never happened. I was devastated for a long time . I felt useless and broken.

The abuse went on. It eventually became physical.  I think that was easier to deal with than the mental. Bruises heal quicker than the mind.
When it got that bad I was so tired and stressed feeling this nightmare wouldn’t end. I thought I had failed somehow as a wife. I couldn’t make him love me enough to treat me like a human.

I met a man at work around this time. I was naturally drawn to him. Felt safer than I ever had around him. He met my husband and it didn’t take long for him to figure out what was wrong.  It took a few months but he helped me get strong enough to make the stand for myself to end the marriage.  It was a messy and mentally taxing part of my life, but for once I started feeling free.

I dealt with a lot of issues for many years after. For months after he moved out he would text me at work that he had canceled my car insurance and turned off my phone. He would tell me he was having sex with his new girlfriend and he could call so I could hear them.  The worst instance was when he told me his girlfriend was pregnant and how it happend right away and I couldn’t even do that right. I can’t lie that hurt badly.

I changed my phone number, blocked my Facebook and things got easier. The man from work who helped me leave ended up being someone I love and who loves me back. He has helped me all these years work through the issues and baggage I came into his life with. We are moving in together later this year.

Eight years later I feel like I’m a different,  better person. Part of me still feels like I’m supposed to be Susie Homemaker and part of me wants to be. Either way I know I’m free to be who I am.